"Here is one of the worst things about having someone you love die: It happens again every single morning."
Anna Quindlen
-sayinggoodbye.org
My first night back home we all slept downstairs. I was in too much pain and I didn't want to see my twins' room, so going upstairs wasn't an option for me. I remember laying in the dark listening to the sound of my daughter and husband's breathing. I envied them. Sleep, would at least for a while have given me the escape I so craved. Instead sleep eluded me. Suddenly my mind wandered and I started thinking of all the things I would never get to do. The future I had envisioned for my babies was gone. All the firsts I was so looking forward to no longer would come. I felt my chest tighten and the tears well up in my eyes. I forced myself up through the pain and tiptoed into the bathroom. I clutched my chest and cried "Why, why God?! What did I do?! Please, please, please I want them back!" I rocked myself back and forth begging God for the impossible till I couldn't cry anymore. I was angry with God. I felt abandoned. I felt like He hated me and was punishing me for something I didn't know I had done. How could this be my life now? How do you go on with the rest of your life after something like this? It doesn't feel right. This isn't something you should live through. This is the kind of heartache that should kill you... why was I still breathing? When I had finally calmed myself I wiped the tears from my cheeks, splashed water on my face, took a deep breath and went back into the living room to "sleep".
For the next two weeks my husband stayed home with me and though the night time was the hardest, things felt okay while he was home. He was my safe space. My comfort zone... him and our daughter. Till the day he had to go back to work. I remember waking up with this sinking feeling in my stomach as I watched him get ready for work. I felt like our little bubble, our own secret club we had created was being shattered and I dreaded facing the day without him. He tried to reassure me that I would be okay... that I still had our daughter. He kissed me goodbye and the moment the door shut behind him the tears came. My daughter who had been watching her morning cartoons turned with such concern on her face and said "what's wrong mommy?" I knew in that moment that I could not fall apart. Losing it in front of her was not an option or luxury I had. So I hugged her close and told her I just missed her brothers but that I would be okay. She was so young, she had already been through so much. She didn't fully understand what had happened. Only that mommy left to the doctor and came back without her brothers. I tried to explain that they were in Heaven with Jesus but it was still so hard on her. For months she would cry anytime I needed to go anywhere without her. Even showering had become a source of anxiety for her. She finally told me that she was afraid that I wouldn't come back like her brothers hadn't come back. It was heartbreaking to say the least. To know that my 4 year old daughter was now thinking that every time I left there was a possibility that Mommy wouldn't be coming back to her. No 4 year old should have those kinds of thoughts.
The next few months were a blur anytime I went anywhere I felt like everyone was staring at me because they could all see it written all over my face. My babies died. I was grieving. I was damaged. I was always at risk of breaking down into tears, things like seeing babies that were the age my boys should have been or seeing twins (which seemed to happen much more often suddenly) would trigger me and I would feel like I was going to have a panic attack. It always felt like the universe was giving me the finger saying "ha you see all these other people can have healthy twins it's just you who can't". It wasn't till my daughter's 5th birthday that I started to feel a little more at peace. The day of her party we were driving to Peter Piper Pizza and a song that always felt like it was my boys talking to me came on the radio. After that the whole day went amazingly and I felt happy for the first time in six months. I felt like my boys where there with me the whole day. Family that normally didn't get along seemed to make peace and laughed together. Everyone enjoyed themselves and my beautiful daughter who I felt deserved to have a good time so much looked the happiest I had seen her since the day she came to visit me in the hospital.
After that things started to look up the days didn't seem as long anymore and though even now I still have my days where I still can't believe that this is my life. That no amount of praying will ever bring them back to me and that I will always and forever be a grieving mother I know that there is still so much to be thankful for in my life. I know that being their mother has forever changed my world.
For the next two weeks my husband stayed home with me and though the night time was the hardest, things felt okay while he was home. He was my safe space. My comfort zone... him and our daughter. Till the day he had to go back to work. I remember waking up with this sinking feeling in my stomach as I watched him get ready for work. I felt like our little bubble, our own secret club we had created was being shattered and I dreaded facing the day without him. He tried to reassure me that I would be okay... that I still had our daughter. He kissed me goodbye and the moment the door shut behind him the tears came. My daughter who had been watching her morning cartoons turned with such concern on her face and said "what's wrong mommy?" I knew in that moment that I could not fall apart. Losing it in front of her was not an option or luxury I had. So I hugged her close and told her I just missed her brothers but that I would be okay. She was so young, she had already been through so much. She didn't fully understand what had happened. Only that mommy left to the doctor and came back without her brothers. I tried to explain that they were in Heaven with Jesus but it was still so hard on her. For months she would cry anytime I needed to go anywhere without her. Even showering had become a source of anxiety for her. She finally told me that she was afraid that I wouldn't come back like her brothers hadn't come back. It was heartbreaking to say the least. To know that my 4 year old daughter was now thinking that every time I left there was a possibility that Mommy wouldn't be coming back to her. No 4 year old should have those kinds of thoughts.
The next few months were a blur anytime I went anywhere I felt like everyone was staring at me because they could all see it written all over my face. My babies died. I was grieving. I was damaged. I was always at risk of breaking down into tears, things like seeing babies that were the age my boys should have been or seeing twins (which seemed to happen much more often suddenly) would trigger me and I would feel like I was going to have a panic attack. It always felt like the universe was giving me the finger saying "ha you see all these other people can have healthy twins it's just you who can't". It wasn't till my daughter's 5th birthday that I started to feel a little more at peace. The day of her party we were driving to Peter Piper Pizza and a song that always felt like it was my boys talking to me came on the radio. After that the whole day went amazingly and I felt happy for the first time in six months. I felt like my boys where there with me the whole day. Family that normally didn't get along seemed to make peace and laughed together. Everyone enjoyed themselves and my beautiful daughter who I felt deserved to have a good time so much looked the happiest I had seen her since the day she came to visit me in the hospital.
After that things started to look up the days didn't seem as long anymore and though even now I still have my days where I still can't believe that this is my life. That no amount of praying will ever bring them back to me and that I will always and forever be a grieving mother I know that there is still so much to be thankful for in my life. I know that being their mother has forever changed my world.
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