"A mother is not defined by the number of children you can see but by the love she holds in her heart."
-Franchesca Cox
Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day... usually I can get through as if it was any other day but something about this one has hit me fairly hard. I miss them... my boys. My twins. My Logan. My Liam. I have found myself wondering much more than normal what it would have been like to have them here. They would be almost 4 years old. The same age as their big sister when we lost them. What would they have looked like? How would their little voices sound when they told me "I love you mommy"?
The tightness in my chest is back, just when I thought it had finally gone. On the walk home from picking up my oldest there are 4 new children (siblings) who walk home in front of us. The oldest a girl, twin boys, and the youngest a girl. They are what I should have... but don't. To me twins, especially twin boys are like these majestic creatures. Rare and beautiful and completely unattainable to me. All I can do is watch in wonderment and awe.
I want to go back... just for a moment and relive all the pain if I must just to hold them one more time in my arms. I would breathe them in deeply and snuggle them. I would sing to them. Tell them how much I love them. Do all the things I should have done the first time around. It is a truly heartbreaking thing to so desperately long for something that is so completely impossible. Again I'm back to wondering, how is THIS my life?? How am I suppose to live everyday from here this broken? How am I suppose to smile and laugh and go on without them? It doesn't feel right. My heart shouldn't still be beating.
Then the guilt hits. How ungrateful I am. Look at my beautiful girls, my wonderful husband, this beautiful life the Lord has blessed me with. How can I be so ungrateful? But I can't help it... I love my girls. I can't imagine my life with out my rainbow but nothing in the world will ever fill this void. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.... what else is there to do?
Mommy loves you Logan and Liam <3
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