Seasons

"and she was made to appear crazy by the man who drove her there" 

-r.h. sin

The day I started this blog I was doing laundry while my rainbow baby was taking a nap with a lulluby station playing on Pandora. When suddenly a song came on that instantly threw me back into that day when my whole life changed. Without warning I began to sob thinking of my twins. I needed to get it out... all the sorrow. All the regret. So, I sat at the keybord wiping the tears from my eyes and I began to type that first post Vicissitude. Now, 3 years later here I sit in a house that is not my own, in a different city, while both my girls do their school work on their laptops. Again, I'm in need of healing from something life threw at me becasue it decided that I was strong enough to handle it. I wish life didn't have so much faith in me.

In the years since writing that first blog the closeness my husband and I had found which I attributed to my beautiful boys started to fade. I assumed it was just a season in our marriage that everyone went through. Life was busy. We were both in school, him for his Masters and I for my Bachelors. He had recently gotten a promotion at work which came with a much higher work load and we had two kids to raise. By the time the calm of the night would bring would come I was exhausted and usually ready for bed. He however normally stayed up busy either with school work or just on his computer researching random topics that peeked his interest. Or so I thought.

It's funny the little things that you notice that you didn't think much of before. Like the fact that suddenly he had a death grip on his phone. Where before he use to lose it constantly around the house not really caring where he left it. Suddenly he was constantly texting, smiling at his screen, and very protective over it to the point that it was now password protected. My gut told me something wasn't right... my heart told me that he was a good man who provided for his family and worked hard to give us everything we needed. But now if I would get up from the couch while he was texting he would stop and hide the phone enough that I couldn't see the screen while watching to see where I was going. 

This went on for a couple months which started to wear on me not to mention that it was September ... my twins' birthday was inching closer. I don't know why exactly but I started to feel the weight of it much more than I had the previous years and my husband was starting to feel further and further away from me. Just having dinner without him being on his phone the whole time was impossible. I had had enough so I decided to confront him. One evening as he sat on the couch texting and smiling I sumed up enough courage to ask him unsure if the answer was something I wanted to hear, "are you cheating on me?" I waited for him to yell becasue he always hated to be questioned but he just looked at me annoyed and told me no. Started explaining he was a manager now so his employees had to be able to get ahold of him all the time but then he said, "and what if I was?" I was dumbfounded what did he mean? I told him as I fought back tears, "well then it would be over." He simply looked at me and said "well I'm not" 

Asking him had proved useless. It didn't bring piece of mind but instead just more confusion and questions. I felt like I was going mad. I tried to be logical.. "He's always with me. He works and comes home. He couldn't possibly have the time to be cheating with another woman. Right?" I pushed it to the back of my mind and went on trying to get him to spend time not just as a family but as a married couple. I asked my mom to babysit the girls and tried to plan date nights. But it never felt quite right. It always seemed like more of an inconvienence than something fun. I was feeling more and more like a failure but I went through the motions as if things were fine. I told myself I was being paronoid and talked myself down even though in the pit of my stomach I knew better.

Then one evening as I was getting ready to make dinner waiting for my husband's return from work a message from Facebook came up on my phone. I knew the name because it was the name of the husband to a woman that worked with my husband. He had spoken of her often but they were just friends. She was married with two beautiful kids. They looked so happy on Facebook so why did my heart sink in my chest and my stomach fill with knots? I took a deep breathe and opened the message. It asked, "are you married to... " and had my husband's name. I knew... I already knew what he wanted to tell me. I took a deep breathe and replied.

Turned out it wasn't just a season of marriage we were going through. In fact it turned out that my husband had been seeing this woman for a while and that it was not the first time her husband had caught them. 

Aftermath

"Here is one of the worst things about having someone you love die: It happens again every single morning."

Anna Quindlen
-sayinggoodbye.org

My first night back home we all slept downstairs. I was in too much pain and I didn't want to see my twins' room, so going upstairs wasn't an option for me. I remember laying in the dark listening to the sound of my daughter and husband's breathing. I envied them. Sleep, would at least for a while have given me the escape I so craved. Instead sleep eluded me. Suddenly my mind wandered and I started thinking of all the things I would never get to do. The future I had envisioned for my babies was gone. All the firsts I was so looking forward to no longer would come. I felt my chest tighten and the tears well up in my eyes. I forced myself up through the pain and tiptoed into the bathroom. I clutched my chest and cried "Why, why God?! What did I do?! Please, please, please I want them back!" I rocked myself back and forth begging God for the impossible till I couldn't cry anymore. I was angry with God. I felt abandoned. I felt like He hated me and was punishing me for something I didn't know I had done. How could this be my life now? How do you go on with the rest of your life after something like this? It doesn't feel right. This isn't something you should live through. This is the kind of heartache that should kill you... why was I still breathing? When I had finally calmed myself I wiped the tears from my cheeks, splashed water on my face, took a deep breath and went back into the living room to "sleep".

For the next two weeks my husband stayed home with me and though the night time was the hardest, things felt okay while he was home. He was my safe space. My comfort zone... him and our daughter. Till the day he had to go back to work. I remember waking up with this sinking feeling in my stomach as I watched him get ready for work. I felt like our little bubble, our own secret club we had created was being shattered and I dreaded facing the day without him. He tried to reassure me that I would be okay... that I still had our daughter. He kissed me goodbye and the moment the door shut behind him the tears came. My daughter who had been watching her morning cartoons turned with such concern on her face and said "what's wrong mommy?" I knew in that moment that I could not fall apart. Losing it in front of her was not an option or luxury I had. So I hugged her close and told her I just missed her brothers but that I would be okay. She was so young, she had already been through so much. She didn't fully understand what had happened. Only that mommy left to the doctor and came back without her brothers. I tried to explain that they were in Heaven with Jesus but it was still so hard on her. For months she would cry anytime I needed to go anywhere without her. Even showering had become a source of anxiety for her. She finally told me that she was afraid that I wouldn't come back like her brothers hadn't come back. It was heartbreaking to say the least. To know that my 4 year old daughter was now thinking that every time I left there was a possibility that Mommy wouldn't be coming back to her. No 4 year old should have those kinds of thoughts.

The next few months were a blur anytime I went anywhere I felt like everyone was staring at me because they could all see it written all over my face. My babies died. I was grieving. I was damaged. I was always at risk of breaking down into tears, things like seeing babies that were the age my boys should have been or seeing twins (which seemed to happen much more often suddenly) would trigger me and I would feel like I was going to have a panic attack. It always felt like the universe was giving me the finger saying "ha you see all these other people can have healthy twins it's just you who can't". It wasn't till my daughter's 5th birthday that I started to feel a little more at peace. The day of her party we were driving to Peter Piper Pizza and a song that always felt like it was my boys talking to me came on the radio. After that the whole day went amazingly and I felt happy for the first time in six months. I felt like my boys where there with me the whole day. Family that normally didn't get along seemed to make peace and laughed together. Everyone enjoyed themselves and my beautiful daughter who I felt deserved to have a good time so much looked the happiest I had seen her since the day she came to visit me in the hospital.

After that things started to look up the days didn't seem as long anymore and though even now I still have my days where I still can't believe that this is my life. That no amount of praying will ever bring them back to me and that I will always and forever be a grieving mother I know that there is still so much to be thankful for in my life. I know that being their mother has forever changed my world.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

"A mother is not defined by the number of children you can see but by the love she holds in her heart." 
-Franchesca Cox

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day... usually I can get through as if it was any other day but something about this one has hit me fairly hard. I miss them... my boys. My twins. My Logan. My Liam. I have found myself wondering much more than normal what it would have been like to have them here. They would be almost 4 years old. The same age as their big sister when we lost them. What would they have looked like? How would their little voices sound when they told me "I love you mommy"? 

The tightness in my chest is back, just when I thought it had finally gone. On the walk home from picking up my oldest there are 4 new children (siblings) who walk home in front of us. The oldest a girl, twin boys, and the youngest a girl. They are what I should have... but don't. To me twins, especially twin boys are like these majestic creatures. Rare and beautiful and completely unattainable to me. All I can do is watch in wonderment and awe.

I want to go back... just for a moment and relive all the pain if I must just to hold them one more time in my arms. I would breathe them in deeply and snuggle them. I would sing to them. Tell them how much I love them. Do all the things I should have done the first time around. It is a truly heartbreaking thing to so desperately long for something that is so completely impossible. Again I'm back to wondering, how is THIS my life?? How am I suppose to live everyday from here this broken? How am I suppose to smile and laugh and go on without them? It doesn't feel right. My heart shouldn't still be beating. 

Then the guilt hits. How ungrateful I am. Look at my beautiful girls, my wonderful husband, this beautiful life the Lord has blessed me with. How can I be so ungrateful? But I can't help it... I love my girls. I can't imagine my life with out my rainbow but nothing in the world will ever fill this void. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.... what else is there to do?

Mommy loves you Logan and Liam <3 

Vicissitude

"How do you give someone back their innocence? That wonderful sense of perfect safety that only exists for people that have never really had anything bad happen to them. How do you give that back?"

-Laurell K Hamilton

Think back, is there a day you can pin point when you're whole life changed? When you knew that nothing would ever be the same again and life would now forever be divided into two parts. The before and the after. The day I heard the words, "I'm so sorry but there are no heartbeats." was definitely that day for me.

When you're young you have this invincible feeling. Stories about all the bad in the world seem so far away. You think to yourself "Things like that can't happen to me. That just doesn't happen in real life." Then suddenly "real life" smacks you in the face and that sense of innocence you once had is shattered. The day I found out that my twin boys had TTTS (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome) I didn't understand the magnitude of what it was or how horribly wrong it could all go. I still had that innocence that it would all work out and nothing that awful like the death of one, let alone both of my babies would ever happen to me. It was impossible. Not to say I didn't stress over it. I did. I cried in the shower, I cried in the car, I cried myself to sleep pleading with God to let my babies be okay. But stupid me my main concern was I didn't want them to have to stay in the NICU very long because at the time that was the worst possible outcome. Again, my innocence got the better of me and blinded me to the very real possibility that things would not just work themselves out this time.

Before I knew it however, I was suddenly past 28 weeks and everything was holding steady. Then I was 30 weeks, then 31. I felt like that was it, they were safe. It was all going to be fine.  It was all working itself out. I scheduled my c-section for Nov 12, 2013 and I felt relived. Yet I couldn't get rid of this feeling in my gut telling me to beg her to deliver my boys now. I pushed that feeling away thinking it was my own selfishness because being pregnant had become incredibly uncomfortable. I told myself "no, don't be selfish! The longer they stay safe your belly the better."

Nov 5, 2013 I struggled to drive myself to my last doctor's appointment before my scheduled delivery. I had made it, or so I thought.  The moment I laid on the table and the technician started looking I noticed her face. She moved it around all over my belly, pressing buttons and studying the screen with such focus. I suddenly knew something was wrong. My heart started to race and I thought "God NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Please!" I saw her face sadden as she turned to me and told me she couldn't find any heartbeats. She left to get the doctor. I asked one of the other nurses for my phone and she told me to wait till the doctor came in. I tried to wait but then I half screamed hysterically "Give me my phone PLEASE!"          

The doctor came in and I thought, "This can be fixed. They can fix this. They aren't gone. It's not over! It can't be." She checked for heartbeats herself and then turned to me and said what I had been pleading with God for her not to say, "I'm so sorry there are no heartbeats". I felt like the floor had come out from under me. My heart instantly shattered and I suddenly realized how very alone I was in this room of strangers.

I text my husband at work, my mind instantly started going through all the things I could have done wrong. Everything I could have done better. How I could have prevented this? I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be anywhere that wasn't here. I didn't want to lose it in front of these strangers. Mostly because I didn't know if I would ever stop crying once I started. They walked me to the labor and delivery part of the hospital and admitted me. I remember looking at the woman with the paper work and watching as they checked "fetal demise". They all said it so matter of factly. No change in either of their faces and I wanted to scream "I lost my babies! They were my boys! My Logan and Liam! How can you not even look sad?!" I wanted them to feel what I felt. I wanted some kind of condolences. Some kind of recognition as to how awful and sad this all was. But she never looked at me. Just filled out the papers and handed them to the lady from my doctor's office.

After that it was all a blur. A sea of people coming and going. Nurses I had met through my pregnancy coming to hug me and say how sorry they were. The condolences I had wanted earlier from the woman with the paperwork were suddenly the last thing I wanted from anyone. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted my husband and my daughter. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. When I finally saw my husband walk through the door I had never loved him more. He was the only person I wanted. He held me and I finally felt like I was safe. Safe to fall apart. Safe to grieve the loss of our beautiful boys.

When they finally wheeled me into surgery all I remember was being cold, tired and wanting nothing more than to collapse and just cry. I didn't think I was gonna make it through by this point. Then suddenly this saying started running through my head, "This too shall pass". That's what I heard in my head over and over. "This too shall pass." I held onto that thought and laid there with my husband holding my hand. The doctors made small talk with each other and laughed. Again I felt that anger that I wanted to scream. Then I felt them pull Logan out. Then Liam. Even though I knew they were gone I waited for a second for the cries. Praying by some miracle they would come... but they never did. It was so quite that it sounded like the whole world stopped. An eerie silence that should have been filled with baby cries and comments about how beautiful they were.

The nurse asked me if I wanted to see them and to this day I regret not saying yes. They rolled me back to my room and as we were coming down the hallway I see my mother in law, brother in law, and sister in law. Heartbroken looks on their faces and my sister in law in tears. Again I wanted to disappear. I have never been good with grief or heartbreak. I was never the person who wanted "support" when something bad happened. I have always preferred solitude in my times of sadness. I know they were there to show they loved my boys and that they were sorry but all I wanted was to be alone.As night time fell I wondered how I was going to be able to sleep as I listened to the lullaby music played each time a baby was born... knowing full well those sweet sounds would never come for my boys.

The next day my 4 year old daughter came to see me. She made everything better while she was there. I held her so tight and wished I could get up out of the bed without any pain and just leave with her. Go anywhere she wanted and just have fun like nothing happened. Instead I said goodbye as she left with her Grandmother and told her I would see her the next day at home. As much as I wanted to leave and just go home I dreaded it just as much. My boys stuff would all be at home waiting for them... things I knew I had to pack back into the boxes and return. The day I was released the lady from the funeral home came for my boys. I had been holding it together till that point but watching a stranger pick up your newborn babies and zip them into what looked like a black duffel bag will make all your willpower to not cry go completely out the window. I buried my face in my husband's chest and cried till she left.

I was not ready to go home, not ready to hear how quite the house was or look at their empty cribs. So instead we went to lunch... fresh out of the hospital from a c section. Looking back it may not have been the best idea but doing something that felt like everyday life, where no one but you knows what you've just been through sounded comforting to me. I wanted to feel normal just for a moment. Though I remember feeling like everyone could tell. Like it was written all over my face that I had just lost my boys. That I was a grieving mother.

Fast forward 3 years later and I now have my beautiful 7 year old daughter and her 16 month old baby sister who I truly believe was chose from Heaven just for us by her big brothers. I fought hard to get to where I am now and though there are days where I'm suddenly thrown back into that room reliving the day I lost that "innocence, that wonderful sense of perfect safety" I am grateful for all the Lord has blessed me with. I am grateful for my wonderful husband who didn't let it break us but rather let it bring us closer together. I am grateful for my living children who I still have on this earth with me. I am grateful for my angel babies, my Logan and Liam for all the journey has taught me. For the person their short lives have made me into. I am grateful for the wonderful mothers I met along the way who have gone through similar events and let me know that I am not alone. Though I wish everyday that I could see my twins again, that I could hold them just one more time, and take just one more picture I know that they are mine and my husband's guiding force now. They are my girls' protectors from up above. They have taught me the meaning to the saying "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." They were here such a short time but they have changed me in way that I never expected. And for that I am eternally grateful.