"The New Year:
A time to say goodbye and a time to say hello"
It's halfway through 2022... it's been 4 years since the day I left my ex husband after finding out he was cheating on me with a married woman from his work. Since the day he slapped me in the face one morning after an argument and I made the decision that my marriage was really over. 4 years since I handed my oldest daughter two boxes when she got home from school and told her to fill them up with whatever she wanted to take with her. I was so scared. So lost. So broken. How was I going to be a single mom to two little girls? How was I going to provide the life I knew they deserved? I had been a stay at home mom for years. I hadn't had to work. My main priority and focus was my family. I wasn't sure if I was making the right choice but at the same time I knew that I absolutely was, if that makes sense. I have come so far since then. I have healed so much, learned so much about myself, and have come to see the world in a completely different light now. When I look back on that woman I don't even recognize her. She isn't who I ever want to be again. But if that's so, then why do I feel like I'm making the same mistakes in love as I did back then?
"You need to be alone for awhile"... "you need to focus on yourself and your girls"... "you need to be happy by yourself first". You need you need you need. So many have told me what I need to do and while I know they mean well I feel like I've been alone long enough. Yes, I've dated since my divorce. At first it was simply to see if what my ex husband told me was right... that I was a frumpy housewife that no one would want and then it was simply something to do when my girls were with their dad. There was one guy who I thought maybe there might be a future with but eventually his true colors showed too and I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life with someone like him after escaping what I did. I felt like I had learned so much after my divorce and dating around a bit. I'm smarter. Wiser. Better at seeing the red flags right? Right??
37 years old and here I am still trying to figure out if these are red flags that I've learned over the years to spot or if I'm simply guarded because I fear every man I meet is going to do to me what my ex husband did. Lately, I've been looking back at the numerous failed "talking stages" I've had over the past 3 years since I've started dating again and I'm seeing one pattern for sure. I've been dating down. I don't mean to say that as if I'm above anyone what I mean is that I think I have been going for "men" who I know full well there is no real future with. The last semi serious one being with a man 7 years younger than me, covered in tattoos, with a ponytail and an obsession with video games and anime. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not saying that liking these things or looking that way makes you any less of a man or someone who isn't husband material. Just not husband material for me. I have never had any kind of fondness for anime nor do I play video games nor am I usually attracted to men with long hair. But I digress, the point being that I'm starting to think that subconsciously I've been sabotaging my love life without truly seeing it till now.
